Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
Dirge for Two Veterans
The last sunbeam
Lightly falls from the finished Sabbath,
On the pavement here, and there beyond it is looking,
Down a new-made double grave.
Lo, the moon ascending,
Up from the east the silvery round moon,
Beautiful over the house-tops, ghastly, phantom moon,
Immense and silent moon.
I see a sad procession,
And I hear the sound of coming full-keyed bugles,
All the channels of the city streets they’re flooding,
As with voices and with tears.
I hear the great drums pounding
And the small drums steady whirring,
And every blow of the great convulsive drums,
Strikes me through and through.
For the son is brought with the father,
(In the foremost ranks of the fierce assault they fell,
Two veterans son and father dropped together,
And the double grave awaits them.)
Now nearer blow the bugles,
And the drums strike more convulsive,
And the daylight o’er the pavement quite has faded,
And the strong dead-march enwraps me.
In the eastern sky up-buoying,
The sorrowful vast phantom moves illumined,
(‘Tis some mother’s large transparent face,
In heaven brighter growing.)
O strong dead-march you please me!
O moon immense with your silvery face you soothe me!
O my soldiers twain! O my veterans passing to burial!
What I have I also give you.
The moon gives you light,
And the bugles and the drums give you music,
And my heart, O my soldiers, my veterans,
My heart gives you love.
(For more military and tactical writings, see my Warrior SOS blog: http://www.warriorsos.blogspot.com)
Monday, October 20, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Our six kids outside of a Church building. The sun was bright!
Sometimes for those newly visiting our church, this unique meeting comes as a surprise. Occasionally, when we bring our friends along to church, we hope no one will say anything that isn't quite doctrinally correct. Regardless, these meetings can be wonderfully uplifting and spiritually edifying.
Since there are two parts of fast and testimony meeting, I will discuss both.
Members prayerfully fast during this day by going without food or water. Anyone can fast. We start and end our fast with a prayer. Generally, we fast for three meals, starting with dinner on Saturday evening. We don't fast to lose weight or simply go without food. We fast for a purpose. When fasting, we can ask God for additional help, whether it's for spiritual blessings, like gaining a greater witness of the divinity and truthfulness of a principle of the gospel, or we can fast for someone who is ill or otherwise in need of heavenly help. We don't have to wait until fast Sunday to fast. We can fast anytime and for anything. Fasting with purpose increases the intensity of our prayerful requests.
God is our Heavenly Father. He understands our physical capabilities and our needs at all times, including during the fast. He understands that sometimes we shouldn't fast. For instance, pregnant and nursing mothers shouldn't fast. If we need to take medicine, it's okay to drink. When we have questions about when to fast or for how long, we should use common sense and prayerfully consider it. Young children, for instance, shouldn't be asked to fast. But at a certain age, perhaps they can be encouraged to skip a meal.
Primary or Sunday School teachers should not bring treats on fast Sunday. Candy, snacks and food items are not the reason we come to church and these can be a distraction anyway. Occasionally, however, I don't think it's harmful. Interestingly, our kids have been loaded up with sugar during their primary meetings and we've had to deal with the hyper after-affects, which can be entertaining, too.
Seriously, though, when we fast we are asked to donate money -- this is in addition to tithe or the tithing we pay (ten percent of our income or our "increase"). This special fast offering, as it is called, goes to help others in need. These funds are carefully observed so that they are not spent unwisely. The bishop, a lay (or unpaid) minister, who oversees the congregation can give these funds for those whom he feels need them most.
It should be noted that the Church encourages all members to be self-reliant and frugal. The president of the Church, President Thomas S. Monson, recently declared,
"We urge all Latter-day Saints to be prudent in their planning, to be conservative in their living, and to avoid excessive or unnecessary debt. Many more people could ride out the storm-tossed waves in their economic lives if they had a supply of food and clothing and were debt-free." (Ensign, Sept 2014.)
Again, these fast offering funds, donated by members around the world, help bless the lives of many others in need. We should be generous in our donations, knowing that many lives are being blessed, in particular those who are falling upon hard times. Giving without a grudge or without expecting something in return, helps bless and edify both the giver and the receiver.
Whenever I may think to withhold my substance, I consider how much the Lord has given me. Indeed, He has given me everything and He can take everything away, too. If fact, He provides me with the very breath I breathe. He sustains my very life! Therefore, I owe all that I have to Him. Whatever I can give, I do. Of course, I also need to take care of my families' needs first, but I can also sacrifice, too.
I recently came across a few talks by leaders in our Church, and I looked up some talks that I remember about testimonies. These quotations below say much more than I can say about testimonies on my own. Whether for the longtime member of the Church or for those newly converted to the faith, these statements and teachings below, when followed, allow testimony meetings to be spirit-filled and truly bless all those in attendance, especially the penitent and heartfelt seeker of spiritual comfort.
Please note that some of the teaching, reproof and advice given below is for those who are already members of the faith. I believe all Church members would benefit from reading and following this advice, as well as those who are new and/or returning to the faith.
Now, the statements:
Fast and testimony meetings are held once a month, usually the first Sunday. Generally, babies are blessed in that day. After the sacrament, the conducting brother bears a brief testimony. He then invited members to bear brief, heartfelt testimonies of the Savior, His teachings, and the Restoration. Parents and teachers should help children learn what a testimony is and when it is appropriate for them to express it.
Younger children should learn to share their testimonies at home or in primary until they're old enough to bear and appropriate testimony unaided in fast and testimony meeting.
—Elder Russell M. Nelson "Worshiping at Sacrament Meeting," Ensign, Aug 2004
Sometimes in a sacrament meeting talk or testimony, we hear a statement like this: “I know I do not tell my spouse often enough how much I love her. Today I want her, my children, and all of you to know that I love her.”
Such an expression of love may be appropriate. But when I hear a statement like this, I squirm and silently exclaim that the spouse and children should not be hearing this apparently rare and private communication in public at church! Hopefully the children hear love expressed and see love demonstrated between their parents in the regular routine of daily living. If, however, the public statement of love at church is a bit surprising to the spouse or the children, then indeed there is a need to be more diligent and concerned at home.
… The bearing of testimony need not be lengthy or eloquent. And we do not need to wait until the first Sunday of the month to declare our witness of things that are true. Within the walls of our own homes, we can and should bear pure testimony of the divinity and reality of the Father and the Son, of the great plan of happiness, and of the Restoration.
… And our testimonies are proclaimed and lived most powerfully in our own homes. Spouses, parents, and children should strive to overcome any hesitancy, reluctance, or embarrassment about bearing testimony. We should both create and look for opportunities to bear testimony of gospel truths—and live them.
A testimony is what we know to be true in our minds and in our hearts by the witness of the Holy Ghost (see D&C 8:2). As we profess truth rather than admonish, exhort, or simply share interesting experiences, we invite the Holy Ghost to confirm the verity of our words. The power of pure testimony (see Alma 4:19) does not come from sophisticated language or effective presentation; rather, it is the result of revelation conveyed by the third member of the Godhead, even the Holy Ghost.
—Elder Bednar, “More Diligent and Concerned at Home,” Oct 2009
Those who have prepared carefully for the fast and testimony meeting won't need to be reminded how to bear testimony, should they feel impressed to do so in the meeting.
They won't give sermons, nor exhortations, nor travel reports, nor try to entertain, as they bear witness.
Because they will have already expressed appreciation to people privately, they will have less need to do it publicly.
Neither will they feel a need to use eloquent language, or to go on at length.
—Pres Henry B Eyring, "Witness for God," Nov 1996
You can read my testimony on my Mormon.org profile page here: http://www.mormon.org/me/2GXB/JeffreyDenning
If you'd like to learn more about the Church, I invite you to watch Meet the Mormons, the movie. You can also talk to a neighbor or friend who's a member of the faith, or speak with the full-time missionaries. Two other good references for learning more are the Church's official websites: Mormon.org and LDS.org.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
This is from my little sister, Cindy. I wrote and dedicated the book Warrior SOS to her late husband, John Cloninger.
Sanctified through Suffering
January 24, 2014
I don’t talk much about the time spent caring for John as his physical health and strength declined over the months leading to his graduation from this life. Watching the effects the brain tumor had on his body was so difficult. Those times were extremely hard to watch him suffer through, but above all, they were very sacred and sanctifying.
We both learned so much about the Savior through John’s suffering. I learned through priesthood blessings that there is indeed purpose in suffering. It is a necessary part of our growth and experience in becoming more perfected. We all desire to be like the Savior and work so hard in our daily efforts to take on his attributes. Kindness, forgiveness, peace, wisdom, love….but one of the greatest characteristics Christ showed to us in this life, was suffering….something that we never ask for, or try to emulate. I watched John give his will, not give up his will, but truly give his will to whatever the Lord saw fit to inflict upon him. I watched him selflessly suffer and still want to live to be with his family.
In one month, (July 2011) John went from being perfectly fine, doing surgery…feeling a little dizzy. To being in a wheelchair because of severe dizziness, slurred speech, difficulty moving one arm, and numbness in the other. As the tumor progressed, he had all of those symptoms increased in severity. He had difficulty swallowing, the room was constantly spinning for him, he had extreme light and noise sensitivity, and was unable to read because of the ‘spinning’. Through all of this, John rarely if ever complained. I only found out about some of the symptoms as the Doctor asked questions at his visits. John’s spirit and joy at just being able to be with his family was always present even while he was experiencing hell. When he couldn’t read anymore, I read aloud to him. The light was too bright for him so I would open up an umbrella and he would hold it shading the light while I would read. Hard as the circumstances were, we both loved and cherished this time together. I would read him the scriptures or from books that he liked. Over the next several months, I read him at least 5 books. One that we loved and read a few times (3) was the The Message by Lance Anderson.
In the beginning, I would help John downstairs and then up to bed at the end of the day. During this time Austin broke his foot. One treasured time we had together was the two of them lying on couches on opposite sides of the living room watching TV. Something came on that they didn’t want to watch and John had the remote, but couldn’t focus enough to see to change the channel, so Austin said throw it to me and I’ll change it. It landed just shy of Austin’s reach and he couldn’t reach it. I came to the rescue from the kitchen and we all had a good laugh. We all felt that Austin’s broken foot was a blessing, allowing him more precious time with his Dad.
I was still in the Relief Society as 2nd counselor and had gone to a meeting. When I returned, John had managed to hold onto the walls and make his way down to the kids room and was laying on the bed with them. They spent a couple of hours singing primary songs. He loved that, and talked about how special that time was a lot. He would say that those moments are what life is about and how much he loves his children.
When it got to hard for John to come down the stairs, we spent a lot of time together upstairs. The kids would take turns going up and having their dinner with him in bed. We would pray together around the bed and read scriptures together. I remember hurrying around trying to do the house chores one day and remarking I really didn’t want to. John just looked at me with love and said, “Then don’t, just come cuddle with me.” I smiled and layed down beside him and cuddled….such precious times for all of us. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything.
When his physical strength declined still further. It was such a loving, sanctifying, privledge to shave him, bath him, spoon feed him. At this time he started to become upset about having to leave his family and at other times would get confused and try to get up and go somewhere. He also wanted to be with me at every second. It was at a hard time when I was having trouble calming him down that I had the distinct recollection of what I needed to do come into my mind.
When the kids were babies, I would get up in the night with them and go into their rooms, with the baby monitors still on, I would sing them lulubys. Usually Angel Lullaby from My Turn on Earth, Stay Awake from Mary Poppins, and Baby Mine from Dumbo. Everytime I would return to bed, John would say, “When I’m old and don’t know who I am, will you sing to me? I love hearing your voice, it calms me down.” I would laugh imaging my half asleep, midnight singing not really bringing comfort to anybody. But I would tell him that I would…..he asked every time.
I had this memory come to my mind and I knew I should sing to him. I began singing all of the lullabys that I had sung to our children to him, he would calm down and be so still. I began singing a lot to him. I don’t know how the tumor was affecting his ability to understand at times and I know that he could feel my love and have peace return during those times.
John continued to go to church in a wheelchair until he just could not get down the stairs anymore. After that, every Sunday, a priesthood holder would come to our home after church to bless the sacrament for John. Austin was a teacher and would pass the sacrament to John. After Austin broke his foot, I was moved to tears every Sunday as the sacrament was blessed in our living room downstairs, and then Austin would hop on one foot while holding the bread tray, over to the stairs and up 13 stairs, down the hallway, into our bedroom give it to his Dad and come back the same way. Then do it all again with the water. He was dripping large drops of sweat each time. I was very moved by his love and care for giving his Dad this ordinance, and his honor of the priesthood.
John’s biggest request and one that I wanted too, was for him to remain in our home and not a care facility.
At one time, John had gotten into a place where he wasn’t sleeping at all, not day, not night, nothing. To make things worse, at night he was getting confused and trying to get up to go somewhere. With his severe dizziness, he couldn’t walk only a step or two before stumbling and falling. I would run to get up and then try to explain to him that he needed to stay here and in bed. He was confused and wouldn’t really cooperate. I would struggle with trying to support him as he would get up so he wouldn’t fall and the episodes were lasting a couple of hours a night. After 3 or 4 nights, I was completely exhausted. The hospice nurse came out (who had worked as a collegue of John’s and he had asked that she be his nurse, Bonnie Hart) as well as the hospice Dr (who was a friend and collegue of John’s, and close in age, Dr Hemmersmeier-I need to write a whole other story about him) came out. Down in the living room we were discussing the possibility of if this didn’t resolve that maybe John could go to respite care for a few days and then return, but said nothing to John. When we went up to check on John he kept trying to get up and go while they were there and then sit. It went on for about 20mins. Then John sat on the bed and sobbed, “How can I leave my family? How can I leave my kids? How can I leave my wife?” My heart ached as I knew he was grieving what he knew he would have to face in death.
I asked him if he wanted to stay with me, he cried and said, “ yes, I never want to leave you.” I told him, “ok, you can stay with me, and I’ll never make you leave.” He quieted down and went to sleep. As the good man that he was, Dr Hemmersmierer had nurses spend the next 3 nights with us 24hrs so I could get a few more hours of sleep.
Around this same time, Alisa Hardman and Kristina Morley showed up on my door with cleaning supplies in hand and said they had come to clean my bathrooms. I let them in, was so exhausted that I ended up falling asleep on the couch while they cleaned. Twice, the ward and Stake RS presidency (Jan Gailey, Lori Preece, Barbara Anderson) came over and cleaned and organized my kitchen and did all of my laundry. Lynda Pike brought us dinner once a week for an entire year!! The Morgan Valley Marathon raised money and gave us $900. The Facebook group, Morgan Moms, took donations at Christmas and gave us $500. 2 years in a row, the bishop gave us an envelope with $500 in it that someone gave him for us. A girl Jeff went to school with, Hope, did an entire Christmas for us that year. My mom’s work did a bake sale and gave us $500, they never knew us or met us. Jeff, my brother, started a non-profit foundation to help us and other vets, Warrior SOS, he taught shooting classes and gave us the money. He also contacted two different artists (Megan Rieker, and …) that signed and gave us prints of their work. Along with many, many other acts of love, kindness, and charity.
I don’t know if I can write about the last few weeks. When we found out that the cancer was back and there was nothing more they could do, it was mid July. We have kids birthdays lined up every month starting August (Maegan) through February. Sept (Caleb), Oct (kiersten), Nov (our anniversary), Dec (Amber), Jan (Austin), and Feb (Eli). Many crazy, emotional thoughts went through my mind. I thought about how having John die so closed to one of their birthdays might have a negative impact for the rest of their lives. I said a silent prayer in my heart, “Please, let him make it through all of the kids birthdays one more time.” I recanted that prayer, many, many times as I watched him suffer. As winter approached, I prayed in my heart not to let it snow so I wouldn’t have to bury my husband while standing at the cemetery in feet of snow.
The last weeks were so hard to watch. The tumor took away the ability for John to close his eyes, they remained open for 3 weeks. He had lost the ability to move at all and to communicate in any way. I still talked to him and hugged him. I remember coming home on Sunday evening after attending New Beginings for Young Women’s with Kiersten, Austin had just had his Eagle Court of Honor a few days before. My heart wrenched watching him suffer and I climbed onto the bed near him. I cradled his head in my arms and pulled him close to heart. I whispered that it was ok for him to go now, that all of the kids had had their birthdays and there wasn’t anything coming up. I took a breathe and then said, “I want you to go, I don’t want to see you suffer anymore.” Even as I said those words, they hurt so bad. I didn’t want to say them, but I knew he had to go and I didn’t want him to suffer anymore.
John died that night, February 20, 2012. John died 13 days after the last birthday. The snow storms that year were mild and would snow a few inches and then melt. At the funeral, there was no snow on the ground. The sun came out and warmed us during the dedicatory prayer (I’ll have to tell you the story about that answered prayer and tender mercy). And then it snowed pretty heavy a day or two later.
John died when he was supposed to die, at his appointed time. Our family was strengthened, upheld, sanctified, unified, and received multitudes of miracles and blessings through this suffering. We learned of love, service, family, eternity, and of God's infinite love for us.
(story of Austin and date of February 20th) and blessings saying that Heavenly Father knows and it is his plan.
“We challenge all youth to avoid bullying, insults or language and practices that deliberately inflict pain on others. All of these violate the Savior’s command to love one another.
“The Savior taught that contention is a tool of the devil. That surely teaches against some of the current language and practices of politics. Living with policy differences is essential to politics, but policy differences need not involve personal attacks that poison the process of government and punish participants. All of us should banish hateful communications and practice civility for differences of opinion.”
—Elder Dallin H. Oaks, CR October 2014